Rebounds

I am in a happy place right now. I am grateful for my health, friends, family, and stability. I feel a sense of calm, the desperation and sadness is gone. I am . . . on the rebound.

Some people say that "the best way to get one person off of your mind is to get another on your body." I think that is ok for people who don't take physicality seriously, but it would probably not work for me. When I'm close to someone, feelings of attachment usually develop. If those feelings are not accompanied by a relationship, whirly thoughts (why hasn't he called? when am i going to see him again? what is he thinking? i wonder what it meant when . . .) begin, and I certainly don't need those again.

Naw, I feel so snug and content and don't want to mess up that feeling. Rebound guy seems to be in the same place. I'm kind of excited to get to know someone as a "friend first" with the physical aspect removed. I almost feel like it will be shidduch dating, where a couple really gets to know each other without a single touch (and then in a few weeks decides that they should be married). I have all kinds of ideas of things we could do, places we can go, that won't lead to the bedroom. I hope he is sincere in his desire to take things slowly and not rush into anything. Because I sure don't want to do that again. Enough drama, questions about ring size and sweeping talks of the future. Let's take it one logical step at a time, this time, eh?

Rule of 3

During our first year in law school, we learned about the "rule of three" in legal research. The general premise is that, in order to find the answer to your legal research question, you should research multiple sources. When the same case or premise is cited in three or more places, you know that is a seminal case for that particular area of law.

So what, then, does it mean when the same man has shown up on my radar through three different methods? We saw each other on jdate several years ago, but never connected (I treated jdate like a video game at the time). I met him earlier this year at an American Jewish Congress event. We had an unremarkable date. We went to a great dessert place. Over chocolate cake, we discovered that we don't have a hell of a lot in common. Then, yesterday he popped up again.

My neighbor K-Dawg is always looking out for me! I love him and his sweet Golden Retriever. But we can never be together because of religious and other differences. Yesterday he asked me, out of the blue, if I would like to meet a "tall, very successful, nice Jewish man." Duuuh, of COURSE I would! In learning the basics about this guy, I quickly realized it was 3xradarman. I told him it was sooo sweet of him to think of me, but I have already been out with this guy. I described our unremarkable date, after which I never heard from him again, and told K-Dawg that I would be open to reconnecting. Who knows. Maybe the third time is a charm?

Summer is almost over!

I can't believe the summer is coming to an end. Oh, how I have enjoyed the beautiful days! Yesterday I went horseback riding around a lake in the mountains, a serene scene that was a departure from daily Denver life.

Have you guys seen the movie 500 Days of Summer? Not that I'm still thinking about The Guy, but if I was, I would draw analogies between Summer and him. How in the movie, the main character only realizes upon looking back over his relationship how there were so many little signs that things weren't right. When Summer didn't want to open up about past relationships, for instance. When she got bored at Ikea. If I was still thinking about The Guy, I could probably go back and pick apart our time together and discover similar clues that we were doomed. Hindsight is 20/20, I know.

Happily, I am not thinking about The Guy any more. I hopped back on the internet and had another blind date, except it turns out my blind date and I grew up in the same neighborhood! We were a few years apart in school, so never knew each other. But I am looking forward to a rebound relationship or more with him. :-)

Geographic challenges

So I heard again from the most recent heartbreaker guy - geez, why can't he just leave me alone? I responded with a fairly lengthy email discussing my frustration, sadness and confusion at the way things ended. His response was pretty lame. He said, in so many different ways, that we will "never know" if things could have worked between us because we are so far apart. He said there is no way to know, who knows? Only G-d knows. Etc. Which is all, in my estimation, a bunch of BS. If you don't click with someone, fine. but puh-lease, don't blame it on geography. He and I both have more than sufficient resources that we could make it work if we wanted to.

Those of us who live outside of NY or LA are quite aware that the odds of finding a Jewish person who we click with are quite slim, thus the options are:

1. Date outside of the faith,

2. Import a nice Jew,

3. Relocate, or

4. Give up and get a cat or a dog.

Obviously it takes some effort to make it work with someone outside of your city. But isn't the chance of finding true love and companionship worth it? For me it is, I guess for him it isn't, which means that he is either impulsive (within 2 hours of meeting, wanted to buy me a ticket for our next meeting), crazy, lazy, or something about our situation triggered memories of his prior marriage or engagements. Or, more likely, that he did have a nice time when he was here, but not outstanding *enough* for him to want to continue putting in more effort into discovering if we really could be great together.

As for me, I'm close to option #4, but happily, I feel at peace today with my life and my situation. I feel like I have put an appropriate amount of effort into meeting someone in the past, but for now I want to take a little break and just wait and see what happens.

Hakol sababa = everything is cool. :-)

Mazel Tov!

So, I logged on to Facebook this morning and noticed that the status of a guy I know, who I had dated last year, went from "single" to engaged. Hmm. I didn't even know he was dating anyone. I wonder who she is. How did they meet? I wish them the best. He is very very quiet and I felt like we were not a great fit because I am at heart an introvert, too. So I guess he found someone who is comfortable with him. See, there really is someone for everyone.

Statistics

Today is a very sad day. In a few weeks, I will have another birthday. I feel like I should have been married with kids by now, yet, somehow I am still single. I know that the statistics are against me. Something like 70% of Jews between 25 and 40 in Denver are intermarried, and according to the demographic study that was conducted a few years ago. Only 11% of the respondents were unmarried, though that is not necessarily representative of the whole community.

I never became fully observant, so it is unlikely that an Orthodox man would be interested in marrying me (or vice versa). Besides, most Orthodox guys got married in their early 20's; the ones that are single now are Baal Teshuva ("BT" - newly, fanatically observant) or divorced. Because of my own dip into the BT world, I am quite reluctant to get involved with someone whose priority is a highly increased level of observance. On the other hand, I know *enough* about Judaism and respect its traditions that I yearn to carry them on with my own offspring, but most single Jewish guys my age are secular and freaked out by what they see as religiousness. I don't respect guys who don't know even the basics of Judaism, and I don't want to get back into the religious world where they do.

I was so happy a few months ago when I met someone from out of town who grew up religious, but is only marginally observant now. He's cool, I was attracted to him, I thought we had a great time, but I guess something didn't click for him, and now we have no future plans to get together. It must be a sign of my own desperation that I was still willing to see him even though his communications went from sweet and hopeful to abrupt and cold. I was willing to overlook that, because I felt like it was such a miracle that he ever found me in the first place (jdate). We seemed to share such similar backgrounds, values, and goals, but . . . I guess it was not meant to be.

Anyway, there should be at least a few thousand Jews who I could date, right? I feel like I have put so much effort into meeting an educated Jewish man who wants to get married and have kids - I am exhausted. I have gone on literally dozens - probably close to 100 - of dates, had a smattering of meaningful relationships, had my heart broken, and probably broken several hearts in the process as well. It is all very tiring, and I think I am through. No more matchmakers, no more jdate, no more weekend dates with out of town guys who seem so promising.

I'm through. I think I will just get a kitty cat and become one of those cat ladies. So what if I am smart, accomplished, and sparkle socially? No one seems to appreciate me, so why should I continue to make the effort to find someone who does? It is enough, already. Sure it is sad, but life goes on. I guess I just need to get used to being alone and forget about the idea of a soul mate, or even a lifelong companion. I can't seem to hang onto a boyfriend for more than a few months anyhow. Maybe I am just destined to have a series of short term attachments. I don't know. Maybe there is something really appalling about me, that my friends and family have been too scared to reveal, and that I don't see.

Anyway, I'm finished. I will get a cat (maybe) and date outside of the faith. Maybe I won't get married. Maybe I'll have a baby on my own. I don't know. But I am sure done worrying about marrying a nice Jewish guy.

Baking vs. Bakeries

By the way, just thought I should mention how very economical it is to bake/cook for oneself rather than purchase baked goods at a bakery or even ready-made from the grocery store.  Here's the tab for my zucchini bread:

- Chocolate chips: $2.99 for the bag

- Zucchini: $.79 for three organic zucchinis (on sale @ King Soopers)

- Flour: $3.89 for the Hungarian non-bleached High Altitude flour

- Oil: $3.49 for SmartBalance Omega 3 blend

nutmeg, cinnamon, baking soda, baking powder, vanilla, etc. I had in the cupboard, and only had to use a pinch of each. 

The total for groceries came to $11.89.  Note that I used up all the zucchini, but have more than half of the chocolate chips, flour, and oil left.  The recipe I used makes two loaves.  Add in $1.50ish for the other ingredients, since they were such small amounts.  So say I spent $13.50 on all the ingredients, minus $6.00 for the half that remains.  That is $7.50 for two loaves of zucchini bread, or $3.75 per loaf.  Each loaf will make at least six hearty slices.  The total per slice is about $.63.    Contrast that with the $3.50 you would pay for a single slice of such a delicious, hearty bread at your local bakery or Starbucks!  It totally pays to make your own food.

Of course, if you go out to eat, as a single person there is always the opportunity that the handsome man at the next table over will lower his newspaper and notice you, ask you out, you'll have a wonderful time, date him, marry him, have babies and live happily ever after.

That would be priceless.  :-)